Wednesday, April 23, 2008

At the Movies

Someone who's been in my life for a long, long time pissed me off, and a trial has been playing in my head about that transgression, the wrongness of it, the unfairness of it, with lots of witnesses called and evidence chronicled. For days. Right here in the smack dab middle of the most beautiful spring on record, which I really haven't had the time to appreciate, because this movie playing in my head won't stop.

For so many years now, my study of Life, The Universe and Everything has emphasized forgiveness...for my mistakes, for their mistakes. I'm told the choice is similar to the one of the vase or the face...depending on the way you look at certain picture, you either see a vase or a face, but you can't see both at the same time. Or another familiar picture, the beautiful young woman or the hag. My Life Study says I can choose to forgive or condemn, and I will see Heaven or Hell. Not both and nothing in between.

So for several days, even though I know the choice--and the choice for Heaven has always worked for me in the past--I have felt like hell. I am told if I am willing to forgive, just a little willingness, forgiveness will happen for me. I'm willing to, really I am willing to, but I haven't been wanting to. Is there a difference between willing and wanting?

And while I was willing and not wanting, I have tried to reason why I couldn't let go of my anger. And grief. Yes, grief, over such a little, really, insignificant thing.

Now understand the transgression is not great, other than that psychic chasm that's formed in my brain, the one where I landed in hell, and can't even imagine what heaven would be like. And the other person, she didn't mean to piss me off, and she doesn't even understand why it's a big deal to me, and she refuses to even acknowledge it happened. But if she ran over my foot with her car, even if she hadn't meant to, still my foot would hurting, and a discussion wouldn't be out of order. Or would it? Or at least a discussion about this particular point, since there was no physical damage, and any sane adult would just let the matter drop. Right?

So here's the reason I've come up with to justify these past few days: I again feel like this relationship is one of those where it's all about the other person. The two of us is all about her, which leaves me feeling like a hungry ghost, either giving in and giving all and not receiving anything, just so we can be all warm and fuzzy about her, tomorrow, on her time, on her terms.

For now, all I can do is wait and be willing to see a different point of view. At least today, after five days, the activity in my frontal lobes that feels like a raging storm has subsided, and I can at least contemplate there may be a heaven, even if the idea of what it might look like still leaves a blank for me.

And what is love, anyway? Today has posted a poem that doesn't give me any answers, but does examine the question for me. And maybe today I can appreciate this glorious spring instead of playing my mind movie, and some time soon, maybe I'll be able to catch a glimpse of Heaven.


Keetha said...

Oh, my. I do this, too, the imaginary conversation and arguments in my mind. It plays on a continuous loop.

Without knowing any more about the specific situation, I think just the fact that you're hurt and/or angry is enough to warrant acknowledgment of your feelings from the other party. Says me.

But yeah - try to enjoy the spring day.

Nicole said...

Warning: Opinion up ahead.

Here's the 12-step lesson. What are you getting out of this relationship? How does staying in it benefit you? What benefit are you getting from the pain, in other words?

Now the opinion. We all gain a sense of security from having our relationships mirror the pain we are accustomed to. If you find that this is a friend who is all about her, this is what it is like to be friends with her. You'll have to forgive yourself for choosing another friend who doesn't give, not forgive the friend for not giving. Ask for what you want. If you don't get it, execute your power of decision. It's up to you to continue or not. She's already drawn her line in the sand. Where is yours? That's the key.

And now the words of the Tao Te Ching as written on a piece of scrap paper on my corkboard to the right of my computer monitor:

Failure is an opportunity. If you blame someone else, there is no end to the blame. Therefore the Master fulfills her own obligations and corrects her own mistakes. She does what she needs to do and demands nothing of others.

Choose heaven. You have other friends. =)